Missing Mom on Mother's Day
So yes, today is Mother's Day. And I'm wishing it was over. My mom passed away three years ago so she isn't here for me to call, hug or send flowers to. I have a lot of wonderful mothers in my life, and I do appreciate them, I really do. A part of me really feels like I should call my step-mom and wish her happy Mother's Day, but I just don't feel like it. I didn't feel this way last year, and I probably won't feel this way next year. But this year, yep, I'm abstaining from passing out some heartfelt Mother's Day love. Because yep, my heart just isn't in it. It's broken, missing my mom. And the cool thing is, that gives me comfort, because I know in my heart, my mom would understand.
But that doesn't mean I don't have more to blog about concerning all things mom! Today a life coach friend of mine posed the following exercise to us: 1. Think of the one thing you always wished your mom could be, do, or say to you. 2. Now give your item in #1 to at least one other person today. Remember that you are also a person and it's okay to give it to yourself. Consider giving it to your mom and give it as many times as you feel inspired.
After I took a moment to really think about this exercise, the only thing that really resonated with me as an honest answer is: a hug. I always wished my mom hugged more. But when she did hug, they were grrreat! Being a Little Person, and my mom standing 5 feet 9 inches, hugging even into my teen years meant that if she weren't sitting down, if I really wanted a hug, I just had to wrap my arms around her waist and she'd reciprocate with stroking my hair or patting my back. And you know what, that was okay! In that type of hug dynamic, hugging her at age 15 felt like I could be age 5 all over again. It was comforting in its own special way.
Now when mom was sitting down, or she would bend or kneel to meet me at my level for a hug, those were awesome too. You know how some people are empty huggers? They give you kind of a half-hearted shoulder hug followed with a light pat? Not my mom. She squeezed, she embraced, she shared the love. And more important, she only hugged when she really felt it. So genuine. I loved that about her. So now that she isn't here to give more hugs, I guess I just miss them all the more.
You might be thinking this sounds kinda pollyanna. The only thing I could think to say about my mom is her hugging frequency? Really? As if she didn't have any other character flaws or as if we didn't have any of the usual mother/daughter frictions that are unique to that relationship? Well rest assured we surely did, and mom had her personal issues and struggles that anyone can have, some that affected her mothering, some that didn't.
At the end of the day though, what I am coming to understand and realize about my mother, is that she was truly a phenomenal woman. And this level of understanding and insight is only being made possible by the growth, learning, and insight of my own aging process. I see my mom through much different eyes at the age of 34 than I did at 24. And I am sure I will see her through a different prism at age 44 than I do today. I think this is one of the most beautiful miraculous mysteries of life's journey!
Looking back (and I really don't feel this is my grief talking) there really isn't anything I would have wanted my mom to be, do or say to me. I think that she traveled her own journey in her own way on her own time. I am so thankful for the fact that she was my mom. She blessed me with how she raised me and she continues to be a blessing in my life as I get to know her in all new ways as I travel on my journey.
Happy Mother's Day mom. I love and miss you. Now and always.