death

Miss you dad

Miss you dad

Well, not writing about my dad’s recent passing hasn’t made the grieving process any easier, so let’s give this a try. It’s been quite a few months. I had already been struggling to keep up with my creative goals, when on June 6, I got the call no one ever wants to get. Even though Dad had been weakened by the completion of his lung cancer treatments, we all expected a full recovery (doctors and himself included). So when he passed away in his sleep taking a nap one afternoon, it was a heartbreaking shock that turned my world upside down.

I am sure I will write more about what I’ve been thinking and feeling over the past couple of months in future posts. After all, writing can be a healing process for me. As it happens, Drew and I were binge watching Downton Abbey in late spring/early summer. It was timely when Maggie Smith’s character, the Dowager Countess, tells the oldest daughter, Lady Mary Crawley, who is grieving the death of her new husband, Matthew, “The fact is, you have a straight forward choice before you: you must choose either death, or life.” Part of what I love about the Countess is how she cuts to the truth.

So while I am choosing life, one day at a time, I couldn’t restart my blog posting without sharing the tribute I made to my dad at his memorial service. So I’m concluding this post with the eulogy I gave at Dad’s memorial service. Writer that I am, doing it didn’t come easy. Procrastination was the first challenge because I thought the longer I put off writing it, maybe it meant he wasn’t really gone. But on the eve of his service I knew I needed to put fingers to the keys and allow whatever would be to flow out. The following was my message of love and loss. I am pleased with how it turned out. I really hope Dad would have been too.

You and Me Mom, Always

You and Me Mom, Always

Remembering mom and thinking about her a lot today. She sure did give me the best of her. Here are some of the ways:

I love a lot of ice in my drinks. Mom loved a lot of ice in her drinks.

Mom was definitely not a morning person. I am definitely not a morning person.

We both found nostalgic humor in every repeat episode of Fraiser, Home Improvement, King Of Queens and Seinfeld, no matter how many times we saw them. We were each open to new things. I got her into Who Wants to be  a Millionaire, she got me into Lifetime Movie Marathons about the Kennedy's.

Missing Mom on Mother's Day

Missing Mom on Mother's Day

So yes, today is Mother's Day. And I'm wishing it was over. My mom passed away three years ago so she isn't here for me to call, hug or send flowers to. I have a lot of wonderful mothers in my life, and I do appreciate them, I really do. A part of me really feels like I should call my step-mom and wish her happy Mother's Day, but I just don't feel like it. I didn't feel this way last year, and I probably won't feel this way next year. But this year, yep, I'm abstaining from passing out some heartfelt Mother's Day love. Because yep, my heart just isn't in it. It's broken, missing my mom. And the cool thing is, that gives me comfort, because I know in my heart, my mom would understand.